Right, chaps. Get fell in. We're closing our ranks to help the cost of living crisis and get the old country back on its knees.There is so much that anglers can do to ease the strain, both on pockets and the resources of the island as a whole.
What follows is the Newey Master Plan for Prosperity. Stick with it and we'll be out of the mire before you can say liquidity gap. Little thin anglers can pair up and share a ganzi borrowed from a big fat one, taking an armhole each. Couple of snags. It only works well if one of them is left handed. And it can lead to ticklish situations when you're baiting up.
You can use only three wellies between two of you and tie your legs together as you do in a three-legged race. And no playing footsy.Share the maggot. Pass it down the bank when you've used it for half an hour. When it gets to look a bit limp and empty, find somebody with a little mouth to give it the kiss of life and blow it up again. Difficult in most clubs. To find a member with a little mouth.
Stretch the worm. Two of you stand face to face, each taking a firm grip on one end of the worm, and start walking backwards.
Stop before it goes off with an uncontrolled twang, or you might lose bits of it.Using the mangle for worm stretching is not recommended. For every successful stretch you get three unsuccessful squashes.
Find other baits for free wherever you can. Shoo the sparrows off neighbours' bird tables and appropriate the bread crusts.
Or creep up behind little old ladies feeding pigeons in the park and shout, 'Boo!' Sort through restaurant dustbins for scraps of bacon fat, bits of sausage and shavings of luncheon meat. Get there early to avoid the rush by members of the Stock Exchange.
Use your bike instead of the car. And give other anglers a lift. With one on the handlebars, one on the crossbar and one on the rack at the back, four of you should be able to manage quite comfortably.
When the law flags you down and hints at a diet of bread and water for the rest of your natural, appeal to the world renowned sense of humour of the British copper. Then hold out your wrists for the cuffs.
Fish only during the hours of daylight. Night fishers who find the adjustment difficult can try closing their eyes or pulling their bobbly hats down over their noses. Instead of buying rounds in the pub of four pints at a time, ask for one pint and four straws. To avoid friction, insist that everybody sucks at the same rate. Anyone caught cheating to have his straw knotted, anyone caught cheating twice to have his neck knotted.