Warwickshire Trout - River Alne Pt.15

It was, I must report with all due ceremony, one of those days that begins with suspicion and ends with smugness. The sort of day that makes you glance skyward and mutter, “You’re up to something,” only to be proven entirely correct within minutes. For only the day before had been, in the finest British vernacular, absolutely pants. Not mildly disappointing. Not a touch inconvenient. No—full-on, elastic-gone, dignity-lost pants. And yet here we were, basking in a meteorological mood swing so violent it could have been narrated by a soap opera voiceover artist.

Sunshine one minute, hailstones the size of ambitious peas the next. A gentle breeze transforming, without so much as a polite warning, into something that would have had small dogs reconsidering their life choices. It was the kind of weather that makes you carry both sunglasses and emotional baggage. Naturally, I took this as a sign that things were aligning beautifully for a spot of fishing. As any seasoned angler knows, terrible logic is the backbone of great optimism.

Before any rods were flourished or heroics attempted, there were errands. Real-life errands. The sort that chip away at your soul while convincing you that you are, in fact, a productive member of society. Chief among them: cleaning my house-proud mum’s oven door. Yes. The oven door. Not the oven. Not the kitchen. The door. A singular pane of greasy defiance that had apparently become the Everest of domestic expectations. I emerged victorious, though spiritually diminished, with the faint scent of industrial cleaner lingering about me like a badge of questionable honour. 

Next, the laptop my faithful, wheezing companion—was delivered into the capable hands of workplace IT, who assured me they would “just run a few updates,” which is corporate code for “we will return this to you unrecognisable and slightly resentful.” and we still don't know when you will be back working. 

Still, with these civic duties completed, I found myself staring down the barrel of something rare and magical: an afternoon entirely my own.

Naturally, I chose to spend it standing in cold water, waving bits of plastic at fish that had absolutely no interest in me.

The destination: the River Alne. A stretch I have persistently fished with all the success of a man trying to win the lottery using vibes. 

I do not know why I return. Perhaps nostalgia. Perhaps stubbornness. Perhaps a deep-seated belief that today will be the day everything changes, despite overwhelming historical evidence to the contrary. Downstream, I once belonged to a delightful little syndicate where trout of respectable size, along with obliging dace and chub, would occasionally grace me with their presence. Up here? Well. Character-building, let’s call it.

The water, I must say, was glorious. Gin clear. The sort of clarity that turns fishing into theatre. You can see everything—the shadows, the flickers, the sudden, heart-stopping lunges when a trout appears from nowhere like an aquatic assassin. It’s addictive, this kind of fishing. Utterly addictive. Like gambling, but with more waterproof trousers.

Then I opened the car door.

Good grief.

The smell. The smell was not merely unpleasant it was an experience. A full-bodied, nose-wrinkling, soul-questioning odour that announced itself with the confidence of a man who knows he has overstayed his welcome. Upstream, a Severn Trent poo processing plant sat quietly, doing whatever it is such places do, which I can only assume involves brewing something unspeakable. Two workers in orange stood in a nearby field, casually existing amidst the olfactory apocalypse. I briefly considered applauding their resilience before deciding I valued my lungs too much.

Undeterred (or perhaps simply not very bright), I pressed on downstream, convincing myself that fresher air and eager fish awaited. The spot looked promising. It always does, doesn’t it? That’s half the problem. Every pool whispers sweet nothings: “Cast here,” it says. “This is the one.” And like a fool in waders, I listen every time.

Two hours followed.

Two long, hopeful, increasingly questionable hours of casting, retrieving, adjusting, and repeating. Not a follow. Not a swirl. Not so much as a mildly interested glance from anything with fins. The river might as well have been a decorative feature in a garden centre. The only life encountered came in the form of the occasional minnow, which appeared less impressed and more confused, as though I had interrupted an important meeting.

There’s a particular kind of silence that settles in during such sessions. Not peaceful silence. 

No. This is the silence of quiet judgement. The river, the trees, the distant sheep they all seem to be watching, collectively agreeing that perhaps this isn’t your day. Or your river. Or, if we’re being honest, your sport.

And yet…

And yet, standing there in the sunlight—because of course the weather had decided to behave itself by then—I couldn’t help but feel rather pleased. 

No fish, no glory, no tales of heroism to bore people with later. Just fresh air, ridiculous conditions, and a gentle reminder that sometimes the point of it all isn’t the catching. 

It’s the being there. The casting. The quiet. The absurd hope that keeps you coming back.

Also, and crucially, the fact that I did not spend the afternoon cleaning anything else.

So yes, a blank. A glorious, aromatic, wind-battered blank. But a fine day nonetheless. And as I trudged back to the car, faintly scented by Eau de Treatment Plant and existential reflection, I knew one thing for certain:

I’ll be back.

Because clearly, I haven’t learned a thing. Still the pint was nice before fishing part 2....

Transient Towpath Trudging - Pt.144 (Canal Perch and Zander)

There are moments in life when everything feels finely balanced, delicately poised like a well-shotted waggler on a calm canal… and then, without warning, someone boots the rod rest, knocks your tea over, and sets fire to the landing net. Last Thursday, somewhere between a mid-morning brew and a half-hearted attempt at productivity in the automotive design studio, that exact feeling descended upon us except instead of fire, it was IT. Which, in many ways, is worse.

It began innocently enough. A little pop-up. Bottom right corner. The digital equivalent of a polite cough before chaos. “Attempting to access IP address…” it said, or something equally sinister and vaguely unhelpful. Being seasoned professionals, we collectively shrugged and carried on, because if you reacted to every strange IT message, you'd never get anything done. Besides, the organisation was “blocking it,” which sounded reassuring in the same way a garden fence reassures you about an approaching rhinoceros.

By late afternoon, however, the studio had begun to unravel like a cheap spool of line under pressure. Systems started dropping out one by one. Drives vanished. Applications wheezed their last. Wi-Fi went funny. The general mood shifted from mild curiosity to that quiet, creeping dread normally reserved for when you realise you've left the landing net in the garage.

Friday brought hope, or at least the illusion of it. There were “workarounds” that marvellous IT phrase which translates roughly to “this might function if you don’t breathe on it.” I clung onto my CATIA licence like a carp angler grips his last boilie during a blank session, managing to work locally and avoid the increasingly haunted Indian network. Forty-plus hours ticked off by lunchtime, I clocked out feeling smug and slightly heroic, convinced the tech wizards would wave their digital wands over the weekend and restore order, despite the main IT guy gone AWOL.

Blog readers they did not.

Monday arrived like a damp bivvy morning grey, disappointing, and smelling faintly of something gone wrong. The systems were not just broken; they were caput. Not resting. Not updating. Not “experiencing issues.” Properly, gloriously dead. The design studio had all the functionality of a chocolate teapot. By midday, I’d been reassigned to “A2MAC1 benchmarking duties,” which is a polite way of saying “find something to do that doesn’t involve working systems.”

And then came the bombshell. IT, those brave custodians of cables and confusion, admitted defeat. “Not anytime soon,” they said. “See you next Tuesday.” Next Tuesday. As if we were discussing a casual pint rather than my entire working week evaporating like mist off a canal at sunrise. As a jobber on an hourly rate, this wasn’t a quirky inconvenience it was financial vandalism. A forced holiday, unrequested and entirely unpaid. The sort of surprise nobody enjoys.

Naturally, I approached Tuesday with a sense of purpose. By which I mean I did absolutely nothing. A lie-in, a leisurely clean of the Jimny, a bit of rod sorting the kind of day that feels productive until you realise you’ve achieved nothing of actual consequence. Still, there are worse ways to spend time than tinkering with fishing gear and pretending you’re preparing for greatness.

Sam, meanwhile, had a rare day off school with a dodgy tummy and a level of honesty that cut through the morning like a sharp hooklink. “Don’t want to poo myself in school, Daddy,” he declared. “I’d be known as the kid who sh*t himself.” LANGUAGE !! A fair point, delivered with the clarity of someone who understands the brutal social economy of the playground. Some reputations, once earned, are impossible to shake.

Just as I began to contemplate a proper fishing session the next day to salvage the week, fate intervened once more. A message from 16 year old Ben’s special needs hub in Stratford-Upon-Avon arrived the night before: boiler issues. Closed. No warmth, no learning, no peace. Plans shifted again. Fishing window reduced to a couple of hours a frantic dash rather than a leisurely campaign.

Still, a couple of hours is better than none, and with a tip-off from Buffalo Si's mate Security Neil about a local perch spot, I was off. The venue was an inlet from a lock above, a place where the water moved just enough to make things interesting. The sort of swim that whispers promise while simultaneously reminding you that gongoozlers, and the ever-present dog poo bag waving brigade are never far away.

Thankfully, there’s always a way. A bit of manoeuvring over the rather high lock paddles and I found myself tucked away from the main towpath, in a spot that felt almost… peaceful. The flow was perfect either tight to the wall or a metre out where it behaved like a miniature river. A proper little gem.

Out went the perch bobber, maggots and worms from my own wormery doing their duty like loyal soldiers. Alongside it, a sleeper rod for zander, armed with a roach deadbait and quiet optimism. The kind of setup that says, “I’m here for anything that fancies a nibble.”

And nibble they did.

Perch came first six or seven of them. Not monsters, but spirited little fighters with that trademark aggression that makes them such a joy. Each one a reminder that fishing doesn’t need to be monumental to be meaningful. Sometimes, it’s just about the rhythm the cast, the drift, the strike.

Then, about an hour in, the sleeper rod came alive.

Now, a zander doesn’t do things politely at this time of year. There’s no gentle enquiry, no tentative nibble. It’s a proper take, followed by a scrap that feels far bigger than the fish itself. This one was no exception. All fins, fury, and indignation, it fought like it had somewhere important to be and I was very much in the way.

Eventually, though, persistence wins. Into the net it came a cracking fish. Five pounds on the nose, full of spawn, and absolutely brimming with attitude. The kind of capture that makes the whole chaotic week fade into the background. Even the obligatory selfie felt like a victory rather than a chore, despite the fish’s clear disapproval.

By nine, the sun crept out and, as it so often does, switched the feeding off like someone flicking a light. Bites dried up. The moment passed. Time to pack up.

Back home, it was straight into Dad mode taking Ben out for what can only be described as a “liquid lunch” in Spoons and a pizza for him while his mum handled dinner lady duties. Sitting there, pint in hand, reflecting on a week that had veered wildly from digital disaster to unexpected angling success, I couldn’t help but think… I could get used to this.

Not the IT collapse, mind you. But the fishing. Definitely the fishing.

Roll on retirement !!

Transient Towpath Trudging - Pt.143 (Canal Zander)

There are moments in angling that refuse to fade, etched into the mind with a clarity that rivals the sharpest winter dawn. This was one of those sessions. 2 years ago almost to the day. 

Now it began, as many good tales do, with a message urgent, insistent, and brimming with promise. Buffalo Si, out on the cut and into the fish, had stumbled upon something special. 

Zander, and not just the odd wanderer, but a proper shoal feeding, willing, and there for the taking. “Get yourself here now,” he’d said. And when a man like that calls with his eyes and ears to these towpaths, you don’t dawdle.

The canal, that quiet ribbon of water we so often underestimate, had come alive. I arrived with that blend of excitement and disbelief half expecting it to have all been a fleeting dream. But it wasn’t. The fish were there, just as promised. It didn’t take long before the first take came, that distinct, unmistakable zander bite indicated on the float finding the deadbait. 

A short scrap later and a solid six-pounder lay in the net, all glassy eyes and sharp intent. Another followed, then one nudging close to seven pounds a proper canal fish by any measure. There’s a certain satisfaction in such moments, not just in the catching, but in being there when everything aligns.

Those fish stayed with me. Not just their size or number, but the way the session unfolded unplanned, generous, shared. It’s the sort of angling that reminds you why you keep going back, why you endure the blanks and the bitter winds. And so, inevitably, the thought crept in during the following days: were they still there?

Anyway work finished, as it always does, with that gentle pull toward the water. The canal lay conveniently on the route home, almost inviting a detour. This time it would be a shorter affair, a dipping of the toe rather than a full immersion. Dusk would be settling in, that magical hour when the world softens and predators stir. If ever there was a chance to winkle one out, this was it.

The walk to the swim very nearly turned into an audition for “Britain’s Got Rabies” when, a couple of hundred yards off, a dog the size of a small hatchback locked eyes on me and decided my fishing rods were clearly weapons of mass biscuit destruction. Now, I’ve been barked at before, but this lad went off like I’d personally cancelled Christmas. 

The owners did that thing where they say “he’s fine” while holding on like they’re mooring a boat in a hurricane. “He just doesn’t like fishing rods,” they said. Brilliant. Of all the things for a towpath dog to dislike, he’s chosen the one thing I’m carrying that looks like a set of radio aerials. Anyway, once he’d finished his performance and realised I wasn’t invading Normandy, peace was restored and I carried on, only mildly traumatised and smelling faintly of fear.

With no boats moored towpath side I had a lovely run of cover to explore, so out went the overdepth float rods  smelt on one, roach on the other  like a man hedging his bets in a very slow, very wet casino. The banker swim got a full half hour, which in my world is basically a long-term relationship, but not a sign. 

So I started leapfrogging down the cover like a slightly overweight heron with a tackle addiction. Fourth swim finally a bite! I struck into absolutely nothing, which is always a lovely emotional rollercoaster. That could well have been my only chance, and the canal went back to being about as lively as a librarian’s tea party.

I tried a flyer beyond the bridge against some thick cover biteless. By now the light was dropping, the towpath was busy, and the nearby train line sounded like the 8:15 to Everywhere was running every three minutes. I wasn’t really enjoying it if I’m honest; it felt like fishing in the middle of a transport documentary. 

So, in true last-gasp fashion, I went back to the swim where I’d had that earlier bite and flung the smelt rod out. The float didn’t even settle properly which usually means either you’ve made a mess of the cast or something with fins has just mugged you on the drop. I gave it a little nudge and the float set off like it had remembered it left the oven on.

This time, as it headed for the cover, I leaned into the circle hook and there it was fish on, and unmistakably a Zander. It didn’t put up the full angry crocodile routine they sometimes do, but I wasn’t about to complain. Soon enough it was in the net and I may or may not have said “A fish! A fish! A fish!” out loud like a man who hasn’t seen one in several years. 

Not the biggest Zander in the world, but at that point it might as well have been a river monster. Blank avoided, dignity partially restored, and suddenly the dog, the trains, and the circus towpath all felt worth it. Funny how one fish can turn a grumble into a great evening fishing’s a strange game like that.

Eventually, practicality called time. Rods were packed away, boots shuffled back toward the car, and thoughts turned from fish to food. There’s a rhythm to these evenings effort followed by reward, even if the reward isn’t piscatorial. Tonight it would be curry, good company, and something decent in a glass.

The Craftsman provided the latter, as it often does. A place of many taps and varied temptations, but one in particular stood out. VAULT CITY’s DDF MARS DOUBLE DEEP FRIED IMPERIAL STOUT an unapologetic mouthful in both name and nature. 

At 15.5%, it demanded respect before the first sip was even taken. And yet, it delivered not with brute force, but with surprising finesse. Rich, warming, with that almost rum-cask character lingering at the edges it was a drink to savour rather than sup. Not cloying, not overly sweet, but balanced in a way that made you pause and appreciate it.

Sitting there, 1/3 pint in hand, the evening seemed to settle into place. The earlier question were the zander there? felt less pressing now. Perhaps they were, perhaps they weren’t. Fishing, after all, isn’t always about certainty. It’s about the pursuit, the possibility, the stories that emerge whether the nets are wet or dry.

Transient Towpath Trudging - Pt.142 (Canal Zander)

There are few acts in modern life more heroic, more ambitious, and ultimately more fragile than a man deciding with absolute conviction that he is going fishing early in the morning. Not just any morning either, but a Saturday. A sacred morning. A morning traditionally reserved for sleeping like a log that’s recently been hit over the head. And yet, there I was, awake before the birds had even finished negotiating whether they could be bothered, gear loaded in the car like I was embarking on some grand expedition, and the kettle roaring into life with all the promise of a new beginning.

Now, it’s at this exact point kettle on, boots half-laced, mind brimming with imagined catches that reality likes to quietly tap you on the shoulder and whisper, “You don’t actually have to do this, you know.” It’s never loud. Never dramatic. Just a gentle suggestion. A seed planted. And before you know it, you’re standing there, staring at the kettle like it’s personally wronged you, questioning everything. The canal will be cold. The fish will be moody. Your hands will resemble frozen sausages. Meanwhile, upstairs, your bed sits in serene, judgment-free silence, radiating warmth like a loyal old friend who’s never once let you down.

The kettle clicked off. That was the turning point. Not a bang, not a crash just a quiet, decisive “nope.” The deadbaits, which moments earlier had been symbols of optimism, were solemnly returned to the freezer like soldiers dismissed before battle. And with all the grace of a man who absolutely intended to go fishing five minutes ago, I turned on my heel and went straight back to bed. A tactical withdrawal. A strategic regroup. A complete surrender to comfort. I slept like a champion.

Now, I’d love to say this was a rare lapse in discipline, but that would be a lie of heroic proportions. Until the clocks change, I operate on what can only be described as a seasonal malfunction. The enthusiasm is there oh, it’s there in abundance but it’s buried under layers of frost, darkness, and a deep-rooted suspicion that being horizontal is simply the better option. Come lighter evenings, I’m a different man. A motivated man. A man who actually follows through. But in late winter? I’m essentially negotiating with myself on an hourly basis.

Redemption, however, came in the form of an afternoon trip to Stratford-Upon-Avon a place that feels like it was specifically designed to make you forget you bottled a fishing session. Sam was there on his bike, full of energy and clearly unaware of the psychological battles that had already been fought and lost that morning. The rabble were in attendance too, bringing with them the usual blend of noise, chaos, and inexplicable stick-collecting. It was all very wholesome, very pleasant, and just the right amount of distracting.

Naturally, this wholesome experience was elevated to near perfection with a visit to the Dirty Duck, where a pint was consumed with the kind of satisfaction normally reserved for people who’ve actually achieved something. It didn’t matter. In that moment, I felt like a winner. A well-rested, slightly fraudulent winner, but a winner nonetheless.

Sunday morning, though Sunday was different. Sunday had purpose. Sunday had grit. Sunday had frost so thick it looked like the fields had been dusted with icing sugar by an overenthusiastic baker. It was properly cold. The sort of cold that sneaks into your bones and sets up camp. Naturally, this is exactly the sort of weather that inspires a man to go and stand next to water for several hours.

I headed to a nearby stretch about fifteen minutes away known for occasionally producing a big fish. And when I say “occasionally,” I mean just enough to keep hope alive while simultaneously destroying your confidence over time. A classic relationship, really.

The plan was simple: rove about, cover water, find fish. A smelt on one rod, a roach on the other a dynamic duo of optimism. The zander in this stretch have a distinct black tinge to them, which gives them a slightly villainous appearance, like they’ve been plotting something. Not that I saw any. But I know they’re there. Watching. Judging.

An hour in the first swim a swim that has, in the past, been generous produced absolutely nothing. Not even a courtesy nibble. It was the aquatic equivalent of being ignored in a conversation. The only real entertainment came from a group of lambs in the field opposite, who were bouncing around with reckless joy, completely oblivious to the fact that I was slowly losing the will to feel my fingers. Honestly, they were having a better session than me.

And so, the roving began in earnest. Five swims. Five fresh starts. Five opportunities to turn things around. Each one approached with renewed enthusiasm and left with slightly less dignity than the last. The water was crystal clear  the kind of clarity that makes fish behave like paranoid conspiracy theorists. Every movement, every shadow, every slightly suspicious-looking human with a landing net  all immediately noted and avoided.

What I needed was a boat. Just one. A nice, inconsiderate boat to come chugging through, stirring everything up, giving me half a chance. I waited. I listened. I even glanced into the distance like a man expecting reinforcements. Nothing. Not a ripple. It was as if the entire canal network had collectively agreed to ruin my day.

There was, however, a moment  a brief, electrifying moment when the float snapped from flat to vertical like it had just remembered an urgent appointment. Heart racing, eyes locked, brain firing on all cylinders. 

This was it. The bite. The moment. The story. Except… no. Nothing. It just… stopped. Like a joke with no punchline. I was left staring at it, trying to process what had just happened, like a man who’s just waved back at someone who wasn’t waving at him.

They’ve been dredging along that stretch too, which has transformed one of the nicest swims known affectionately as Bream Bay into something resembling a construction site. 

Piles of silt dumped on the side, the whole place looking like it’s been through a rough breakup. It’s still fishable, technically, but it’s lost a bit of its soul. You can tell.

Four and a half hours later, the result was undeniable: a blank. A proper, honest, can’t-even-blame-the-moon-phase blank. 

The kind that strips things back and reminds you exactly what this pastime is all about prolonged optimism followed by quiet disappointment.

The frustrating part? The conditions were absolutely perfect for float fishing for smaller species. Calm water. 

Hardly any movement. The sort of scenario where you could probably catch something… anything… just to avoid total humiliation. Naturally, I had committed fully to not doing that.

The walk back to the car was a slow one. Not dramatic. Not tragic. Just… reflective. 

The gear seemed heavier, the cold a bit sharper, and my internal commentary had shifted firmly into sarcasm. 

Still, there’s always a safety net in these situations. A reliable, comforting, slightly frothy safety net.

The pub.

A pint of Theakston’s Old Peculiar was secured, and let me tell you it tasted like success. Not actual success, obviously. More like emotional compensation. 

But at that point, I was more than willing to accept it. And now here we are. Gear still in the car. Hope, somehow, still intact. The itch returning, as it always does. 

Because despite everything the blanks, the cold, the self-inflicted misery there’s always that tiny voice saying, “Next time.”

So, after work, I’ll head back out. Evening this time. Different light. Different mood. Same questionable decision-making. Will I catch a zander? Possibly. Probably not. But that’s never really the point, is it?

Next time, a different stretch.

Definitely.

Almost certainly.

Unless the bed gets involved again. Anyway if you want to entertainment watch this !!!

Transient Towpath Trudging - Pt.141 (Canal Zander)

The canals again. Of course they are. Like a bad kebab or an ex you swore you’d never text, they have a funny way of pulling you back in. Not that I’m complaining (I absolutely am), but when you’ve spent years chasing Zander, you start to realise yesterday’s hotspot is today’s fishless trench. The fish haven’t disappeared they’ve just moved, probably laughing at you while doing so, fins up, watching you stubbornly cast into the aquatic equivalent of a deserted car park.

And the thing is, you know this. Every logical part of your brain is telling you, “They’re not here anymore.” But logic doesn’t stand a chance against angler optimism. 

Because the next cast could be the one. It’s always the next cast. It’s never the last fifty you’ve just fired out with all the conviction of a man slowly losing the plot.

Still, there’s something oddly satisfying about leapfrogging along a stretch of canal like a slightly unhinged heron. 

One minute you’re convinced this is the swim you’ve analysed it, felt it in your bones, practically written the catch report in your head. The next minute, nothing. 

Not a twitch, not a knock, not even the courtesy of a missed bite to keep the dream alive. So off you go again, marching down the towpath with all the grace of a man who’s just realised he’s been casting into absolutely nothing.

But that’s Zander fishing. They could be anywhere and usually are just not where you are.

You start noticing things you’d normally ignore. The way the light hits the water. The subtle changes in depth. That one overhanging bush that looks fishy but has betrayed you more times than you’d care to admit. You tell yourself this time will be different. It never is. But still, you cast there anyway. Tradition, at this point.

Boats, mind you, are a different story. Most anglers curse them muttering under their breath as the peaceful canal turns into a churning mess. Me? I welcome them like a long-lost mate. Honestly, I’m half tempted to wave them down and ask them to do another pass.

Nothing gets the canal stirred up quite like a narrowboat chugging through, turning the water into a murky soup of opportunity. It’s chaos but it’s productive chaos. The silt lifts, visibility drops, and suddenly everything feels alive. It’s like someone’s flipped a switch underwater. Dinner time.

In my head, the Zander are snapping into action, darting about like opportunistic little thieves, picking off anything that looks remotely edible. Meanwhile, I’m stood there trying to look like I planned it all along, as if I personally arranged for this boat to come through at precisely the right moment. In reality, I’m just as reactive as the fish scrambling to get a bait back in the water before the moment passes.

Timing, as always, is everything. And I’m usually just slightly off it.

So for this grand return to canal life, I opted for convenience. No big expedition, no overthinking—just simple, efficient fishing. Four-minute drive, short stroll, rods out. Done. The kind of session you tell yourself is “low pressure,” which of course immediately turns it into the exact opposite.

I’d even splashed out on £40 worth of deadbaits—a serious investment, or so I thought. The sort of purchase that makes you stand a little taller, like you’ve properly committed. No shortcuts today. Premium bait. Premium results. That was the plan. 

Turns out, they were basically free.

Courtesy of what can only be described as a floral disaster of Olympic proportions.

Now, I’m no flower expert but I know enough to recognise when something meant to impress has gone catastrophically wrong. What arrived looked less like a thoughtful gift and more like the aftermath of a long-distance desert crossing. Limp, lifeless, and about as inspiring as a blank session in January. Even the wrapping seemed embarrassed. There’s a particular kind of disappointment when you open something expecting a reaction and instead get… that. You can’t even fake enthusiasm. You just sort of nod, like, “Yes. These are… definitely flowers.”

To their credit, the M&S customer service team sorted it sharpish. Refund on the way, apologies made, crisis averted. And just like that, those £40 deadbaits transformed from a questionable financial decision into what felt like a gift from the angling gods themselves.

Funny how quickly perspective shifts.

Anyway, back to the fishing.

The canal looked… well, like a canal. Slightly questionable water colour, that faint earthy smell you pretend not to notice, the odd ripple that could mean everything or absolutely nothing. Classic. There’s always that feeling when you arrive the quiet uncertainty. You’re either about to have a session you’ll talk about for weeks, or you’re about to spend several hours politely pretending this was “still enjoyable.”

There is no in-between.

I set up with that cautious optimism every angler knows. Not too hopeful—you don’t want to jinx it—but not completely defeated either. Just enough belief to keep you casting. The first few casts felt good. Always do. Everything’s fresh, the bait’s perfect, your confidence hasn’t taken any hits yet.

Then time starts to stretch.

Ten minutes. Nothing.
Twenty minutes. Still nothing.
Half an hour… and now you’re starting to think.

Was that a knock? Probably not.
Should I move? Maybe.
Are they even here? …let’s not go there yet.

Then, just as doubt starts creeping in properly, a boat appears in the distance. Slow, steady, inevitable.

Perfect.

I reposition slightly, get ready, make sure everything’s set. As the boat pushes through, the water transforms clear lines replaced by swirling clouds of silt, the whole canal suddenly alive with movement. This is it. This is the window.

Cast out. Let it settle. Wait.

Every second feels louder now. You’re tuned in, hyper-aware, watching for anything. A tap, a twitch, the slightest sign.

And then—

Maybe something. Or maybe not.

That’s the thing with Zander fishing. It plays with your head. Half the battle is figuring out what’s real and what’s just you wanting it to be real. You convince yourself you felt something, strike into nothing, and stand there hoping no one saw.

Still, you keep going. Move a little further. Try another spot. Adjust, adapt, repeat.

Leapfrogging down the canal, chasing that one moment where everything lines up. Where instinct, timing, and a bit of luck finally agree to cooperate.

Because eventually, it does happen.

Not always. Not even often.

But just enough to keep you coming back.

So… how did I do?

I pulled up at the swim full of optimism, only to be immediately greeted by what can only be described as a thoughtfully pre-packaged gift from the local canine community. Nothing says “welcome back to the canals” like a dog poo bag just slung on the floor the bag swinging gently in the breeze like some sort of grim bunting. Ah yes, the great outdoors nature at its finest, lovingly gift-wrapped by strangers.

Anyway, plans changed quicker than a politician’s promises, and my grand 2.5-hour session was ruthlessly trimmed down to a measly 1.5 thanks to last-minute domestic negotiations (which I lost, obviously). Still, rods out, dignity slightly dented, and spirits cautiously high, I got down to business.

Then bang! Ten minutes in and I’m into a fish. Not just any fish, mind you, but a Zander with the temperament of a caffeinated ferret. It went absolutely berserk the moment it felt steel, thrashing about like I’d insulted its entire bloodline. After a brief but spirited argument, I managed to persuade it into the net.

I gave it a quick eyeball estimate 3lb 8oz. Turns out I was only an ounce off. Frankly, I’m considering a side career as a human weighing scale. Job done. Efficient. Clinical. Almost suspiciously competent. Buoyed by success (and clearly now an angling prodigy), I spent the rest of the session rotating through four more swims like a man convinced lightning would strike twice. It didn’t. Not even a sniff. The fish had clearly clocked off early, probably laughing about me somewhere underwater.

Still, one lively Zander, a bit of sunshine, and only minor psychological damage from the dog poo incident overall, a solid return to the canal. Back on the scoreboard, dignity mostly intact, and with just enough success to guarantee I’ll be back for more punishment soon.

Warwickshire Avon - Barbelistic and Bedraggled

The final day of the river season always arrives a bit like the last day of school equal parts excitement, nostalgia, and the quiet suspicion that something mildly ridiculous will happen before the bell rings. This year was no exception. I awoke with grand plans of sneaking off early, rod in hand, making the most of those precious final hours before the curtain came down on another season. Unfortunately, those plans collided head-on with domestic reality. 

The Wife, quite reasonably it must be said, had declared that an early Mother’s Day outing in Stratford-upon-Avon was required, preferably involving a respectable amount of food and an irresponsible quantity of white wine. 

My role in this arrangement was simple: chauffeur, payer, and general dogsbody. Naturally, I accepted my fate with the stoicism of a man who knows that resistance is both futile and likely to reduce future fishing permissions.

The morning progressed well enough. Stratford was looking as picturesque as ever tourists wandering about looking for Shakespeare, swans behaving like they owned the place, and restaurants happily removing money from my wallet in exchange for lunch. 

The Wife was in excellent spirits, which generally translates to “another large glass of wine wouldn’t hurt.” Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, a tiny angling alarm clock was ticking away. The river season was ending, the light would fade eventually, and somewhere out there a barbel might be considering its final bite before the great closed-season fast. Still, all things considered, it was a pleasant enough diversion. I even convinced myself that perhaps the fish would appreciate the extra rest before my arrival.

Then came the mattress incident.

What was meant to be a “quick stop” at a bed shop for Sam’s new mattress turned into the sort of retail expedition normally reserved for Arctic explorers. Apparently modern mattress purchasing involves computers, posture analysis, demonstrations, and what I can only describe as interpretive lying down. One moment we were “just popping in,” and the next thing I knew we were being guided through the building like VIP guests at some sort of bedding museum. 

I glanced at my watch repeatedly, each time discovering that another half hour had vanished into the great commercial void. Two hours somehow turned into four out. Four! By the time we escaped with a mattress suitable for a teenager (who, incidentally, could probably sleep perfectly well on a pile of coats), I was already composing my fishing obituary in my head.

Still, hope springs eternal in the heart of an angler.

With Saturday’s match cancelled due to high water conditions, I reasoned that a quick visit to the legendary Piccadilly Circus stretch would be ideal. 

Only ten minutes away, and historically about as reliable as river fishing ever gets. If a barbel was going to save my season, that swim had form. The Wife and the rabble were safely deposited at home, and I set off like a man chasing the final bus of the evening. Upon arriving at the official car park, I had a brief moment of blissful optimism. Empty. Not a car in sight. For a fleeting second I imagined I’d have the whole place to myself. But angling optimism is a fragile thing. 

As I approached the first field I spotted a vehicle parked brazenly by the gate over the footbridge. Now, this field is meant strictly for match days, but clearly some enterprising soul had decided that rules were more of a suggestion than a requirement. Ah well, I thought, perhaps they’d wandered off somewhere else.

No such luck.

Sure enough, when I reached the bank there they were: one match angler and his mate. The mate, incidentally, had arrived on a motorbike (yes a motoebike) and parked it directly behind him like they were staging a fishing-themed remake of Easy Rider. I must admit I had a little chuckle to myself. Outside of the clique there’s often much muttering about rules and etiquette, but within the inner circle it seems to be more of a “park where you fancy and crack on” arrangement. Still, they turned out to be decent blokes, which is always worth more than perfect parking discipline.

The match angler was fishing meat and had already landed a tidy barbel of about seven pounds. Lovely fish and a promising sign. He was in good spirits too, mentioning that the club could do with some positive reports after all the gloom following that fish kill a couple of years back. “Let us know if you catch one,” he said. “We need a bit of good news.” No pressure then.

By now it was creeping towards five in the afternoon. The day had been lovely, but the breeze had taken on that sharp edge that reminds you winter hasn’t quite given up yet. Standing in the shade felt like someone had quietly opened a fridge door behind you. Still, the river looked perfect—coloured water sliding along nicely, the sort of conditions that whisper “barbel” to any optimist holding a rod.

I decided to go all in with a Robin Red attack. 15m drilled pellet and a matching paste wrap. A PVA bag of krill freebies and if ever there was a bait that could persuade a barbel to have one last reckless munch before the closed season, it’s that spicy little wonder. I settled into the swim and waited for the magic to begin.

Forty-five minutes later I was still waiting.

Not even a polite chub rattle. Nothing. The rod tip might as well have been carved from oak. Eventually boredom got the better of me and I shuffled a couple of pegs upstream to a swim where I’d landed a near-double back in December during proper flood conditions. If lightning was going to strike twice, this seemed as good a spot as any.

Twenty minutes later: still nothing.

At this point I began to suspect the fish had held a secret meeting earlier that afternoon and voted unanimously to ignore me. So back I went to the original swim for one last attempt. The sun had dipped below the horizon by now and the light was fading in that slow, quiet way rivers seem to specialise in. It was one of those evenings where every sound feels slightly louder and every ripple seems important.

And then it happened.

Thump. Thump.

The rod tip knocked twice like someone tapping politely on a door… and then absolutely melted down. Line peeled off the reel and suddenly the whole world snapped into focus. Barbel! it, charged downstream like it had somewhere urgent to be. Unfortunately that destination appeared to be a submerged tree, which meant I had to apply a firm amount of persuasion to convince it otherwise. The rod bent, the reel protested, and after a few tense seconds I managed to turn it away from disaster.

What followed was a thoroughly enjoyable scrap. Not a monster by any means, but strong enough to remind me why barbel are such magnificent creatures. Eventually the fish slid over the net cord and I let out the sort of satisfied sigh normally reserved for finishing a difficult DIY project without swearing too much.

After a well deserved rest in the landing net, a quick photograph in the dull light, and a moment of admiration, the fish was returned to the coloured water where it vanished with a flick of its tail. A perfect end-of-season gesture.

By then the match angler and his motorbike-support crew had packed up and left, which was a shame because he’d asked me to report any barbel captures. I like to think somewhere out there the rumour mill eventually delivered the news: one final barbel to round things off.

I fished on until curfew, but that was the only bite of the evening. Curiously the chub didn’t show up at all, which is odd because that swim has recently resembled chub soup. Rivers are funny like that. One week they’re bustling with fish, the next week they’re as quiet as a library.

Still, I couldn’t complain.

A barbel on the last evening of the season feels rather poetic. The past few weeks have actually been a bit of a purple patch for me, which naturally means I’m now fully expecting my fortunes to return to their usual level of “character building” once the season reopens on the 16th of June.

But that’s fishing.

You endure the quiet days, the mattress shops, the motorbike anglers, the freezing breezes and the endless blank spells… all for those moments when the rod tip thumps and the reel screams.

And if you can end the season with a barbel in the net and a good story to tell, well, that’s not a bad result at all.

Warwickshire Avon - The Untrodden Pt.50

Back at the syndicate stretch again, embarking on that most noble of late-season quests: winkle out a half-respectable chub before the curtain comes down. I’d grand plans of sneaking into Piccadilly Circus for a cheeky afternoon-into-dusk session rod tips trembling with anticipation, the kettle working overtime, and me settling in like a man with absolutely nowhere else to be.

Alas, domestic life executed one of those last-minute pirouettes wives seem professionally trained in. Suddenly the dream of riverbank reverie evaporated and I was back on dad duties instead of watching the tip for that tell-tale knock.

To be fair, the Wife had endured what can only be described as a Vag Cam appointment 24 hours earlier (yes, exactly what it sounds like). Mercifully it hadn’t been too grim, and by Friday afternoon she’d decided she was perfectly fine to head off to yoga  despite having a uterus reportedly filled with enough water to make even a grown man wince in sympathy.

So off she went, limbering up, while I stayed home performing my own form of advanced flexibility: bending my fishing plans around family logistics. Bugger.

The weather was doing its best impression of a wind swept and damp flannel and my knee was still staging a protest after that Glasgow jaunt. Over sixty thousand steps in two days what was I thinking? At my age that’s practically an ultramarathon. 

The shin splints have migrated north and taken up residence on the inside of my right knee like an unwelcome squatter. Still, between ice packs and a liberal smear of Voltarol, I’m hobbling along well enough to pursue matters piscatorial. 

Roving the swims was the plan, dodgy knee or not, because sometimes the chub don’t come to you, you have to go knocking on their door like an overly persistent Jehovah’s Witness with a landing net.

Tactics were simplicity itself: bread in the feeder, cheesepaste on the hook, and faith in the river gods. Proper chub fishing none of this space-age nonsense.

Word had reached the grapevine that fellow syndicate member Ade Busby author of Barbel Under the Bridge and part-time tormentor of lesser anglers like myself had recently bagged a 6lb 6oz chub on this stretch. 

Daylight had produced nothing for him, mind you, and then the moment the light dipped… bang. Typical chub behaviour really: sulking all afternoon like teenagers and then suddenly deciding they’re ravenous once you can barely see your rod tip.

The river was rising, which I greeted with cautious optimism. A bit of extra colour can be a chub angler’s best mate like fishing behind frosted glass where the fish can’t quite see you fluffing the cast. Sadly, it wasn’t quite the rich, chocolatey broth I’d been hoping for. More of a piss weak tea job. Still, hope springs eternal when there’s cheespaste in the bag and time on the clock.

I ambled onto the stretch with all the confidence of a man who had absolutely no evidence to support it. George Burton and Dave Williams were already stationed along the bank like two thoughtful garden gnomes contemplating the mysteries of the universe or more accurately, why the river looked so perfect yet so completely unwilling to give up a fish. 

After a brief riverside conference (which mostly consisted of scratching chins and saying “they’ve got to be here somewhere”), I decided to go on the rove, which in fishing terms means wandering about pretending you have a plan.

Off I went, creaking my way from swim to swim like an elderly heron that had done one yoga class too many in the 1980s and never quite recovered. The feeder plopped into crease lines, slid under suspicious looking bushes, and landed in those delightfully “chubby” swims where you just know a fish the size of a small sausage dog should be lurking with bad intentions. Each cast had that wonderful moment where the rod tip quivered ever so slightly and the imagination instantly leapt ahead to the weigh-in speech: “Well lads, I did say they were having it…”

Alas, the river had other plans. Swim after swim looked magnificent  the sort of swims that appear in glossy magazines with captions like ‘Guaranteed Chub Holding Area’ yet contained absolutely nothing except water, mild disappointment, and the distant echo of my own optimism quietly deflating. I switched to bread at one point, which felt like a tactical masterstroke until several tiny fish arrived to nibble it like pensioners sampling free cheese at a supermarket. Encouraging, yes. Useful, no. Meanwhile, the chub whom I shall now refer to as “Me Chub” had clearly taken the day off.

Eventually curfew crept up the bank like a bailiff with a clipboard. I packed up and left George and Dave to it, wishing them luck in the sort of tone usually reserved for people about to assemble flat-pack furniture without the instructions. As it turned out, they fared exactly the same as me. Three anglers, a lovely river, decent rising river conditions… and not a single fish among us. A perfect blank. Still, tomorrow is another day the final day of the river season. Which of course means the chub will almost certainly decide to feed like piranhas five minutes after we’ve all packed up for the year. 🎣

Warwickshire Avon - Bailiffs and Bedlam

There is, I’m often asked, a reason why I remain gloriously absent from the glowing circus tent that is social media. The answer is quite simple really: self-preservation. Many moons ago back when phones were for ringing people and a “stream” meant something with water and trout in it I decided I didn’t particularly want my existence narrated in real time to strangers who felt the need to comment on it while eating toast in their pants. 

From the outside looking in it all appears rather… consuming. Facebook, Tik-Tok, Instagram an endless digital village green where everyone is shouting, nobody is listening, and somewhere in the corner a man is angrily arguing about the correct way to hold a carp.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not entirely immune to the odd pang of jealousy. Some of the fish that appear on these platforms are the sort that would make a saint swear. 

Huge great slabs of whiskered magnificence that look like they’ve been fed on protein shakes and small livestock. Of course I’m jealous any angler with a pulse would be. But attached to these aquatic triumphs is always a curious side order of vitriol. 

Perfect strangers furiously debating rigs, baits, ethics, lunar cycles and the moral integrity of a landing net. It’s a bit like watching a pub argument except everyone is typing and nobody has spilled a pint yet.

And then there are the dietary announcements. For reasons known only to the internet, people now feel compelled to inform the world about their digestive relationship with the “carnivore diet”. I do not wish to know this. I barely wish to know this about close family members, let alone Trevor from Doncaster who has been eating nothing but steak since February and would like to discuss the consequences. Angling used to involve fish, rivers and the occasional thermos of tea. Now it appears to involve gastrointestinal updates and motivational quotes over pictures of kettles.

Instagram, of course, is a different kettle of filtered fish entirely. A magical land where everyone lives a flawless life, owns immaculate tackle, and appears permanently bathed in golden evening sunlight even at half past eleven on a Tuesday morning. Reality, as we know, is rather less glamorous. I remember once while zander fishing on the canal, quietly minding my own business and contemplating a sandwich of questionable freshness, when a young woman arrived at the aqueduct car park with the sort of purpose normally reserved for bomb disposal teams.

Out came a paddleboard. Out came a wetsuit. Out came a phone attached to a stick that probably cost more than my first rod. She paddled precisely fifty yards into the middle of the aqueduct, posed heroically against the skyline for several photographs, and then paddled straight back again, packed everything into the car and drove off. I can only assume that somewhere online a caption appeared reading something along the lines of: “Morning paddle — five miles of peaceful canal vibes ✨.” Meanwhile the only witness, a slightly baffled angler with a flask and a couple of Zander rods, was left wondering if he’d just watched Cinderella arrive at the ball and leave before the buffet opened.

Still, each to their own. The world is a broad church and some of its members apparently enjoy photographing themselves pretending to exercise. Personally, I prefer fishing.

Which brings us neatly to another smash-and-grab sortie down at what I affectionately call Warwickshire Avon’s Shanghai Pudong an industrious little stretch where curfews are obeyed, barbel occasionally make questionable life choices, and the river seems to have recovered somewhat from the dreaded oxygen crash that knocked things sideways for a while. Word from the match yesterday was that a few barbel had shown themselves again, which is always encouraging. Rivers heal in their own time, and with the rain we’ve had lately the fish tend to shuffle about looking for nicer accommodation. Bit like anglers really, only with fewer folding chairs.

Last time I visited, things kicked off gloriously as the light faded, the sort of frantic spell where rods thump, reels complain and you begin to suspect the fish have collectively agreed to ruin your evening in the most delightful way possible. Naturally I returned armed with exactly the same cunning plan.

A 15mm robin red pellet. A paste wrap. A little PVA bag of freebies for good measure. The angling equivalent of ordering the same meal at a restaurant because it didn’t poison you last time.

Anyway I rolled into the car park just as the bailiff was hauling his dog out the motor, ready for its evening patrol like some sort of furry fisheries enforcement officer. We had a quick natter, the usual exchange of fishing wisdom (and mild exaggeration), before both of us wandered up toward the river. I plonked myself into one of the pegs opposite the houses. Not exactly my dream swim you know the sort, where you feel like you’re fishing in someone’s back garden but the fish clearly hadn’t read my preference list because that’s where they were hanging about.

The bailiff let the dog stretch its legs while I got the rods sorted and a bait in the drink. It was one of those slow starts where the river looks suspiciously innocent, like butter wouldn’t melt in its flow. Eventually, just as the bailiff wandered back up the bank toward me, the rod gave a proper whack and folded over like it had just remembered an unpaid electricity bill. A chub had absolutely nailed it. After a short but lively scrap a very respectable fish slid into the net. Job done !!

With that fish returned and the bailiff heading back toward his car, I glanced at the clock and realised I had less than 45 minutes before curfew. On this stretch that means rods out half an hour after dusk, which is normally about the time things actually start happening. Typical fishing logic really. Luckily the fish hadn’t read the rule book either because the swim suddenly switched on like someone had flicked a light switch.

What followed was one of those glorious little feeding spells where you barely get settled again before the rod tip tries to launch itself into the river. In the space of that short window I managed another four chub, with the final one tipping the scales at a very tidy five pounds. Proper river scrap merchants too  the sort that make you wonder if they’ve been secretly lifting weights in the margins.

One odd thing though: after every fish the hair rig seemed to be getting longer. At first I thought I was imagining it, but no the chub were hitting the bait so hard they were actually stretching the hair. By the end of the session it must have grown nearly two inches. Not that it mattered much, because the bites were so ridiculous the fish were practically hooking themselves while I stood there grinning like an idiot.

No barbel graced the net this time, but honestly I wasn’t too bothered. It was one of those classic smash-and-grab sessions where everything just comes together for a short burst of action. Add in a howling wind that looked like it was trying to relocate half the riverside trees to the next county and it somehow made the whole thing even more enjoyable.

It’s a real shame the season’s nearly done because the fish are clearly in the mood for a proper feed. Still, if this session was anything to go by, they’re finishing the season exactly how anglers like it  slightly chaotic, wildly entertaining, and just long enough to leave you wishing you had another hour.