Now Waders !! these thigh-length rubber boots enable the angler to walk into midstream without getting wet, assuming that both the stream and the angler are of normal proportions. Short anglers have much more trouble with waders than tall ones. Apart from the discomfort and possible danger of having tough rubber edges sawing away in the most fright-making places, the short angler is much more likely to get that sudden chill round the whatnots1 which signals 'waders awash'.
When this happens he must not panic, but must turn gently over and float upside down, with his feet sticking out of the water, until he is hooked by an overhanging branch. If there are no overhanging branches, he must try to hold his breath until he passes a lifeboat station.
In common with skin diving suits, plastic macs, PVC trusses and other garments made from smooth, non-porous materials, waders have sexual connotations which are beyond the ken of the average sex maniac. The sight of a man in waders has been known to do the strangest things to the most mature of matrons, and has been responsible for many a disastrous ending to a mixed outing.
As for the sight of a woman in waders-as Lord Justice Longprong said, when delivering judgment in Regina-v-Higginson in 1981:2
'It may well be thought that 93 years' solitary confinement is a sentence of undue severity for this offence, and that the accused was subjected to provocation above and beyond the endurance of the average individual.
'You have heard independent witnesses testify that the appearance of Miss Ewge-Bristoll in citron-yellow waders with transparent panels behind the knees to reveal what we were told were a particularly attractive set of dimples-a statement which I confirmed on examination in my chambers-was enough to send even the most respectable male citizen, as one witness put it, completely off his tiny nut.
"This said, however-and I have taken it fully into account in mitigation of the sentence-this said, we simply cannot have people berserking round our river banks with tins of black treacle in search of unprotected wading females. A female person wearing a pair of waders is entitled to the same protection under the law as a female person not wearing them.
'I intend to make an example of this man and I can only hope that, in so doing, I am nipping in the bud a nationwide outbreak of treacle pouring and bum pinching.' A healthier manifestation of the appeal of waders is the growing practice of drinking from the waders of the lady of one's choice, much as the stage door Johnnies would drink champagne from the shoe of a Gaiety Girl in the 1890's.
Now because of the volume held by even one leg of a pair of waders, drinking champagne is out of the question. The custom is, instead, to fill the wader with draught bitter or brown and mild. Seasoned drinkers, whose object of adoration is a small woman, have been known to drain one leg in a single breath, notwithstanding the airlock which forms when the level of the ale reaches the knee.
Anglers still Willie mourn, however, Wee Hickinbottom, whose chosen one was Big Bertha ('All Together Now') Heftipeece, a seventeen-stone former principal boy from Stratford-Upon-Avon. It was revealed at the inquest that that Miss Heftipeece's left wader held fourteen gallons of bitter.
Mr Hickinbottom was unable to raise the full wader to his lips and had to resort to climbing on a table, leaning over, and sucking up the beer through a plastic tube. He had drunk no more than three gallons when he over-balanced and went in head first. His shoulders became jammed and his friends were unable to extricate him in time.
The coroner noted, as a possible source of consolation to Mr Hickinbottom's sorrowing family and friends, that at least he died with a smile on his face.
Anyway back to the fishing if you've not switched off already, The syndicate stretch needed the services of the newly purchased weed whacker and the plan was to try and make a couple of swims before the battery said 'No More'. My waders would come in handy because despite being stung plenty of times in the past I still get that horrible itch.
Obviously I'd fish as well so I'd bring my chub and waggler rod to see if I could winkle out a fish at dusk. Upstream there had been some unfortunate fish deaths because of, well we still don't know for definite but whatever was the cause there has been considerable fish losses.
After making one swim I decided that will do !! and got fishing instead. The hedge cutters doing an ok job but a brush cutter is what I needed really it was so thick.
Anyway not much to write home about really after some tiny dace on the waggler eventually a better stamp turned up but not exactly prolific on the bite front. Probably one in ten drifts down on the float I got a bite so hard going but it can be tough here unless you stumble on a shoal. I also managed a chub on bread almost first cast after getting a better vantage point next to some cover.
I stuck with the bread because as soon as the light faded the fish were on it straight away. Only small fish though until almost dark an 'unmissable' bite from a chub I managed to miss, whoops !!. Fish caught though and fish were topping lets hope this area came away relatively unscathed, I'll be back, next time with a different approach I think. Onwards !!!
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